Brock Rants

Britney Spears Is Number 1

Brock Kirby — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:36:49 +0000

I read today that Britney Spears was the number one search on Yahoo in the last year. Fascinating. I don’t know which is more amazing to me, the fact that Britney is still relevant to anyone’s day; or that the 12 holdouts still using Yahoo and watching Beverly Hills Cop on their Beta Player, have managed to take a break from playing pogs and cruise their dial-up internet looking for celebrity sex tapes.

Seriously? What kind of bullshit statistic is this? Of course outdated, white trash celebrities are searched for with outdated, white trash engines.

I’m pleading with you poor relics, put your Tony! Toni! Tone! records away, close-out of Netscape, and join the rest of society on Google, so I never have to read an article about Britney Spears being number one ever again.

Top 10 Words in the English Langauge

Brock Kirby — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:47:04 +0000

1. Erogenous

2. Ornery

3. Skivvies

4. Ointment

I guess when these words are listed together they give a strange mental image.

5. Tenacious

6. Crotchety

7. Bested

8. Tremendous

9. Catalyst

10. Wax

Surviving New York

Brock Kirby — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:30:50 +0000

It’s taken me awhile to adjust to New York. But I can finally commute to work without fearing for my life. I found that the secret to staying calm and composed in this rat race is to look for reactions from the long time New Yorkers and follow their lead. They aren’t hard to spot. They’re a conundrum of callus and culture.

When one man pulled a knife on another in the Subway, I followed their lead and quietly walked to the other side of the car without making eye-contact. I also followed their lead when a crazed man came on our car and starting yelling about committing mass suicide. I thought he was going to kill us all, but I looked around and saw that the New Yorkers weren’t even phased. They just turned up the volume on their iPods and drowned out the apocalyptic soliloquy .

But the other day, a man came onto the train. He looked scary, but far less scary than the guy with the knife. He was wearing pink parachute pants, and a matching pink fishing cap. It look liked the worst thing he could do was wash my whites. I checked my litmus New Yorkers, and saw that an extra-grizzled man was making the sign of the cross and saying a few “Hail Marys.” If this guy needed to pray, I needed to be shitting my pants. But no one has killed me yet.

Team Handball Starts Today

Brock Kirby — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 20:44:02 +0000

I can’t count how many times people have told me to “let competitive sports go,” that it’s time to “move on.” At times I’ve considered their suggestions, thought that I was holding onto something fleeting. But sports aren’t leaving this world, and their not going to leave my life. I couldn’t let them go in college, that’s why I took intramural sports too seriously, and I can’t let them go now. Which is exactly why I’m going to my first Team Handball practice today. The gentlemen at the New York City Handball club have graciously let me come and try out a practice today and see if I even belong in the same neighborhood as them. I might not, after all I’ve never played the sport in my life. I guess we’ll see if my confidence pays off tonight as guys from all over the world hand me my lunch.

Cliche Awesomeness

Brock Kirby — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:41:49 +0000

I Stumbled upon this link. There are a couple great flash animations on it. Some might consider these things lame, or cliche, but they’re only cliche if they’ve lost their meaning.

http://www.eightprinciples.com/

The Baby Red-Eye

Brock Kirby — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:23:27 +0000

Don’t bring your child on a red-eye flight. They should be in bed, and everyone on the plane should be asleep. Why are you even traveling with an infant anyway.

Effective Cussing

Brock Kirby — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 21:25:05 +0000

I have always found effective cussing to be a beautiful art. I’ve had coaches that used cussing so excellently that it made you get shivers in your spine. But, I’ve also heard people use cussing as though it was some type of foreign language and they had no idea where to put the accents. Please watch the following video, and take notes on how a true professional conveys messages gorgeously with a limited vocabulary.

Chuck E. Cheese

Brock Kirby — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:56:24 +0000

This mouse creeps me out so bad. Check out this training video, if you get bored fast forward to about 8 minutes where Chuck starts interacting with the people, and watch him “Make it happen.”

Dick Density in New York

Brock Kirby — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 02:49:31 +0000

Ok so that title might be misleading, but I have a hypothesis about the anger of New Yorkers. New Yorkers are not assholes in general, there are just more assholes in New York. Last night I was walking through Manhattan and saw a very hideous gentlemen nearing a cross-walk and a car pulled off of the curb into traffic, his window was down and his lights were off. The hideous kid screamed at the car, “Turn your fucking lights on you dick!” The driver forgot to turn his lights on, and I think a “turn your lights on,” would have sufficed. But this gross kid had to throw a few expletives in there to make his point. I broke him down psychologically and determined that he was pissed at the world because he was such a frumpy fuck. The usual excuse for most assholes. And even though this incident wasn’t the most assholey thing I’ve seen here-not close-I think it illustrates my point.

Because of the extremely dense population of the city an average person like myself is more likely to come across assholes like this ugly guy. In Oregon I wouldn’t come across as many people per day, so therefore I did not see as many assholes per day. However in New York, the assholes are ever present because people are ever present. And assholes are unfortunately the thing that you tend to remember from the days activities, or maybe it’s really ugly people that you remember, and that’s why I used this guy for my example.

Look for future posts about my time in New York, as tomorrow I finally move out of my roommates room and into my own cell.

3 Best Sports Questions

Brock Kirby — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:23:50 +0000

Great questions to bring up at a table full of friends. The conversation usually gets heated, but I think it’s worth some of the outlandish claims that come from it.

1. If you went back in time to the 1950′s, could you play professional basketball?

2. Could you field a team of your most athletic male friends and play in the WNBA?

3. If you had a time machine or enough money to get a sex change, would you prove it?