When blacked out

I write in cursive

Wasted night

Wasted class time

Useless

Illegible

I read today that Britney Spears was the number one search on Yahoo in the last year. Fascinating. I don’t know which is more amazing to me, the fact that Britney is still relevant to anyone’s day; or that the 12 holdouts still using Yahoo and watching Beverly Hills Cop on their Beta Player, have managed to take a break from playing pogs and cruise their dial-up internet looking for celebrity sex tapes.

Seriously? What kind of bullshit statistic is this? Of course outdated, white trash celebrities are searched for with outdated, white trash engines. It’s about as surprising as finding out that Tom Cruise kind of likes dudes.

I’m pleading with you poor relics, put your Tony! Toni! Tone! records away, close-out of Netscape, and join the rest of society on Google, so I never have to read an article about Britney Spears being number one ever again.

1. Erogenous

2. Ornery

3. Skivvies

4. Ointment

I guess when these words are listed together they give a strange mental image.

5. Tenacious

6. Crotchety

7. Bested

8. Tremendous

9. Catalyst

10. Wax

Most of my readers are looking for porn, and they’re not as cool as David Duchovny. My most frequently looked at post is “Your Average Joe Pornstar.” I find it fascinating how many times the words “average Joe” and “Pornstar” are searched for on google together. What the hell are you people looking for? Is a male pornstar really anything more than an average joe? But I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions about the readers of this blog too quickly, so I conducted a test.

Hypothesis: If I put dirty tags in otherwise clean posts, the number of blog hits will increase. Test: I placed the word boobs, in my last post about platinum/silver. Result: blog statistics show a 10 person a day increase in traffic. Conclusion: People love boobs

I be thinkin’em, I be spatin’em, I be clapin’em, straight spitting hot flows that rhyme with platinum. Is it not gangsta to rap about silver because platinum is worth more? Or is it simply the fact that no word in the English language rhymes with silver. If the price of silver goes up, rappers are going to have to get real creative with the words they make up to project their faux richness. I would imagine it would go a little something like, I be stronger’er, I be faster’er, I be liver’er, wearing my chains of silverer.

Is this some type of government task force trap for pedophiles?

PedophileDisguise

This is pretty incredible. But I love to watch the people on youtube trying to recreate this that don’t nearly have the patients that it takes to do something like this.

I just watched my first episode of Iconoclasts, a show on Sundance that follows around two famous people discussing their life philosophies and insights. The first of the series was a golf game between Samuel L. Jackson and Bill Russell. Now, I always thought Russell was incredible, but this show gave me a truly valuable insight from the man with 11 NBA championships. I take his insights seriously because I really appreciate winning, and there is probably nobody in the history of sports better at winning than Bill Russell. It kind of makes you wonder if he is the greatest athlete of all-time, I mean as Herm Edwards says, “You play to win the game.”

But the insight that he offered was that during games he took the negative energy all-around him and controlled it, thus turning negative energy into positive energy. Now this alone isn’t a mind blowing revelation, but if you think about all of the theories on positive and negative energy these days, most of them say to avoid negative people, and block out the negativity in our lives. I don’t believe this is a realistic solution to anything. Unless you never have human contact it’s impossible to avoid negativity, so you must harness the negative energy, actually seek it out. Not provoke it, but rather cherry pick what people are already shoveling out. It’s not an easy thing to do. The reason I love stand-up comedians so much is that they take the things that often wear on us like race, war, love, money, religion, sexuality, whatever it may be and they make us laugh about it.

It’s hard to turn negativity into motivation and laughter, that’s why most people just proliferate it. Some of the most negative and depressing people I know consider themselves optimists or positive people. They dislike negativity so much they’re willing to create more of it to get rid of it, the irony is thick.

I’ll sign this one off, not with a cheers, but rather

Stay Up (Which is term that my friend stole from a jazz musician, or a Viagra commercial )

I was walking in downtown Puerto Vallarta about a month ago and thought to myself, “there is an abundance of creepy Nacho Libresque wrestling masks in these shops.”  I thought I might purchase one of the masks and rob a bank.  It was weird how quickly the thought progressed in my mind.  For a brief moment I imagined myself playing innocent gags at parties, and then I’d dance and people would think this disturbing mask was hilarious.  But the gags escalated quickly to knocking off 7-Elevens. From there I looked to the Hollywood Bank Robber for inspiration, but realized that for a guy who liked to wear wrestling masks and lived in a tree house it would be difficult to get laid.  I didn’t buy the mask.