My readers are porn addicts

Most of my readers are looking for porn, and they’re not as cool as David Duchovny. My most frequently looked at post is “Your Average Joe Pornstar.” I find it fascinating how many times the words “average Joe” and “Pornstar” are searched for on google together. What the hell are you people looking for? Is a male pornstar really anything more than an average joe? But I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions about the readers of this blog too quickly, so I conducted a test.

Hypothesis: If I put dirty tags in otherwise clean posts, the number of blog hits will increase. Test: I placed the word boobs, in my last post about platinum/silver. Result: blog statistics show a 10 person a day increase in traffic. Conclusion: People love boobs

At Least the Horsemen Aren’t Sexist

Bill Russell is Positively Badass

I just watched my first episode of Iconoclasts, a show on Sundance that follows around two famous people discussing their life philosophies and insights. The first of the series was a golf game between Samuel L. Jackson and Bill Russell. Now, I always thought Russell was incredible, but this show gave me a truly valuable insight from the man with 11 NBA championships. I take his insights seriously because I really appreciate winning, and there is probably nobody in the history of sports better at winning than Bill Russell. It kind of makes you wonder if he is the greatest athlete of all-time, I mean as Herm Edwards says, “You play to win the game.”

But the insight that he offered was that during games he took the negative energy all-around him and controlled it, thus turning negative energy into positive energy. Now this alone isn’t a mind blowing revelation, but if you think about all of the theories on positive and negative energy these days, most of them say to avoid negative people, and block out the negativity in our lives. I don’t believe this is a realistic solution to anything. Unless you never have human contact it’s impossible to avoid negativity, so you must harness the negative energy, actually seek it out. Not provoke it, but rather cherry pick what people are already shoveling out. It’s not an easy thing to do. The reason I love stand-up comedians so much is that they take the things that often wear on us like race, war, love, money, religion, sexuality, whatever it may be and they make us laugh about it.

It’s hard to turn negativity into motivation and laughter, that’s why most people just proliferate it. Some of the most negative and depressing people I know consider themselves optimists or positive people. They dislike negativity so much they’re willing to create more of it to get rid of it, the irony is thick.

I’ll sign this one off, not with a cheers, but rather

Stay Up (Which is term that my friend stole from a jazz musician, or a Viagra commercial )

Dick Density in New York

Ok so that title might be misleading, but I have a hypothesis about the anger of New Yorkers. New Yorkers are not assholes in general, there are just more assholes in New York. Last night I was walking through Manhattan and saw a very hideous gentlemen nearing a cross-walk and a car pulled off of the curb into traffic, his window was down and his lights were off. The hideous kid screamed at the car, “Turn your fucking lights on you dick!” The driver forgot to turn his lights on, and I think a “turn your lights on,” would have sufficed. But this gross kid had to throw a few expletives in there to make his point. I broke him down psychologically and determined that he was pissed at the world because he was such a frumpy fuck. The usual excuse for most assholes. And even though this incident wasn’t the most assholey thing I’ve seen here-not close-I think it illustrates my point.

Because of the extremely dense population of the city an average person like myself is more likely to come across assholes like this ugly guy. In Oregon I wouldn’t come across as many people per day, so therefore I did not see as many assholes per day. However in New York, the assholes are ever present because people are ever present. And assholes are unfortunately the thing that you tend to remember from the days activities, or maybe it’s really ugly people that you remember, and that’s why I used this guy for my example.

Look for future posts about my time in New York, as tomorrow I finally move out of my roommates room and into my own cell.

Freegan Hippies

Today in class a young hippie girl talked about the eating habits of her flower power friends. The conversation was structured around bums and dumpster diving, but quickly shifted to a discussion of “the man” and anti-consumerism. Not surprising, this is the general ending point of most conversations in Eugene. This was the first time I’ve ever heard the word “freegan,” which is obviously a combination of the words free and vegan. Apparently, these young people created a life style to reject American consumerism. They try to participate in the economy as little as possible. They essentially try to live and eat for free. I understand the hate of American excess, but for the love of God, this might be the most socialist thing I’ve heard of in a while. But before I decide to add freegans to my “10 people to ignore” list, I’ve decided to live a freegan lifestyle for a week.

Top Three Possible Antichrists

1. Kevin Trudeau: He is number one for a reason. Pure Evil. This man claims to be helping the modern American citizen find natural cures that “they” don’t want you to know. But what Kevin doesn’t want you to know is that he’s full of shit, he’s been charged with fraud numerous times. His book tells you not to swim because the ill-effects of chlorine negates the cardiovascular benefit. What!?! Lets just let inactive Americans do anything to get them moving. The fat people of this nation don’t have time to wait to die of Chlorine related symptoms at age 90.

2. Joel Osteen: Greed, one of the seven deadly sins, is the crux of his preaching. He’s going to make the middle and upper classes(his audience) continue to prosper over the lower class. I pretty much just think he looks creepy and his voice is twice as scary as he looks.

3. Oprah: I know what you’re thinking. Fact is: She is too good to be true. The antichrist is supposed to start out as good person and win the hearts of the people. But once the common folk get comfortable, antichrist flips out and leads everybody down the wrong path. Burning of buildings and crazy sex ensue, and we have the end of the world folks. Maybe Oprah is still good, or maybe we don’t notice her evil plot to turn us into mindless consumers. If I’m wrong about Oprah’s sinister plot, I’m for sure going to hell.

Self Help Yourself

I’ve always found the “Self Help,” section of the bookstore to be one of the most intriguing and most frustrating. Is it really “self help” if you have to read a book that someone else wrote to help yourself? There seems to be a disconnect here. The section should be called “Help You” or more generously “Help You Help Yourself,” because you did not write the book. Obviously someone else is helping you.

I also question the authors of these self improvement books. I feel as if they are less qualified than they portray themselves. Lets take a guy like Joel Osteen. I’m sure he started out being a pretty selfless guy, he became a minister for chrissakes. But at this point I think he has just found a way to make a good buck. The way he justifies his fortune is rather absurd, God wants everyone to be “prosperous” he claims, and by prosperous God means “filthy rich, just like Joel.”

Now, I’m not trying to put down people who read self help books, I would never put anyone down that was trying to be a better person. I’ve read plenty in my short stay here on Earth. When I was 18, I believed I was nuts, and I saw a counselor. He got me hooked on these damn things. But, I’m starting to think one was enough. My suggestion to those reading absurd amounts of these books is this. Pick one, and realize that the rest of them say this:

1) Do good, Feel Good

2) Make time for the things you want

3) You have the ability to change your mood

4) Don’t do shit you don’t want to do

5) Stop worrying, you’re going to die sometime

One person’s strategy might be far different from yours, so it is your job to figure out ways to hold yourself accountable to these five things. I bet you’ll have more time to read things that are interesting, fun, and that put a smile on your face if you stop reading the same things from a different persons perspective. Remember that life is about your perspective, cause that’s the only one you get. Holy shit, that’s gold!!! I should start writing my book right now.

My greatest fear in life comes in death: that I will have died reading a self improvement book with another 40 of them on my shelf, never really having improved myself but being well versed for the time when I might decide to.

Your Average Joe Porn Star

Dear Fox,

I know that you are probably freaking out with NBC’s re-release of “American Gladiators,” given that it’s the greatest show ever and NBC will soon replace you as the badass of network television. So I decided to let you guys in on a reality TV show idea I’ve been conjuring up that just might catapult you back to the glory days of such hits as “Temptation Island” and “Who Wants to Marry My Dad.” Picture this: “Your Average Joe Porn Star,” with host Ron Jeremy(if you can pull him away from a 12th season of the “Surreal Life”).

This little diddy will have 30 young to middle aged men and women, who got booted out of casting lines for real jobs, living in a lavish house far-removed from their typical double-wide. There will be drama, action, silicon malfunctions, embarrassing premature moments, and of course plenty of alcohol to fuel the daily interactions of the house mates. Essentially the same formula that “The Real World” uses, but this show will guarantee at least “5 times as many blurred scenes as any other reality show on your TV.”

Each episode will begin with a guest instructor from the “industry,” showing the house mates how to properly perform their signature moves. The contestants will then pair off into twos, threes, fours, guys, girls, goats, midgets, or whatever is needed and do their best to impress their instructor. The winner of the challenge receives the “Golden Condom of Immunity,” sponsored by Trojan.

Those who struggled with the challenge will face the celebrity judge panel. The lucky one’s names are called, as enthralling music quickens the viewers pulse rate, they receive unfortunate tattoos and are allowed to remain on the show for another week. Obviously the most hated and worst contestants are kept for at least 5 weeks for no apparent reason so the audience can continue to seethe. The contestants not receiving the tattoo are told “You were fucked, and now you’re fucked,” the catchy line that carries the climax of the show, and then they’re sent to rot in a Hollywood gutter, hopefully to resurface years later, landing undeserving book deals to unveil the secrets of the show. Thus, furthering the brand.

The grand prize winner receives a deal to be exploited in a series of pornographic films. It’s truly a show that will make America better. It will tackle important issues in relationships, it will educate the general population on the importance of getting tested and using protection, and it will allow parents to play less of a role in their child’s life because the show will contain better answers to life’s big questions than they could provide for them.

I expect a certain cut in this deal since I’ve pretty much signed, sealed and delivered another gem for you. But something tells me, after you read this, you’ll come up with something far better. You always do.

Sincerely,
BK