Speak in Cursive

When blacked out

I write in cursive

Wasted night

Wasted class time

Useless

Illegible

My readers are porn addicts

Most of my readers are looking for porn, and they’re not as cool as David Duchovny. My most frequently looked at post is “Your Average Joe Pornstar.” I find it fascinating how many times the words “average Joe” and “Pornstar” are searched for on google together. What the hell are you people looking for? Is a male pornstar really anything more than an average joe? But I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions about the readers of this blog too quickly, so I conducted a test.

Hypothesis: If I put dirty tags in otherwise clean posts, the number of blog hits will increase. Test: I placed the word boobs, in my last post about platinum/silver. Result: blog statistics show a 10 person a day increase in traffic. Conclusion: People love boobs

Silver’en em, Platinum

I be thinkin’em, I be spatin’em, I be clapin’em, straight spitting hot flows that rhyme with platinum. Is it not gangsta to rap about silver because platinum is worth more? Or is it simply the fact that no word in the English language rhymes with silver. If the price of silver goes up, rappers are going to have to get real creative with the words they make up to project their faux richness. I would imagine it would go a little something like, I be stronger’er, I be faster’er, I be liver’er, wearing my chains of silverer.

Masks

I was walking in downtown Puerto Vallarta about a month ago and thought to myself, “there is an abundance of creepy Nacho Libresque wrestling masks in these shops.”  I thought I might purchase one of the masks and rob a bank.  It was weird how quickly the thought progressed in my mind.  For a brief moment I imagined myself playing innocent gags at parties, and then I’d dance and people would think this disturbing mask was hilarious.  But the gags escalated quickly to knocking off 7-Elevens. From there I looked to the Hollywood Bank Robber for inspiration, but realized that for a guy who liked to wear wrestling masks and lived in a tree house it would be difficult to get laid.  I didn’t buy the mask.

Facebook Fever

My friend Tyler wrote a song about Facebook that I think is pretty relevant.  Here he is performing it live at our fraternity philanthropy. 

Top 5 Most Painful Things(no medical attention)

There are many things that physically hurt a man throughout a normal day.  Things that you don’t need to go to the doctor for, but that might bring a tear to your eye.  Here are my top five.  Feel free to ad your own.

1.  Zit on inside of nostril

2.  Sneezing while peeing

3.  Getting shot in the ear with a paintball gun

4.  Open handed slap on a bad sunburn

5.  Standard nut shot in below freezing temperatures

I was raised by Billy Zabka

My father looked like Billy Zabka when I was growing up. Not similar, but identical. It was always hard for me to identify with the stoner/slacker/loser protagonist, when I was raised by the jock preppy antagonist. I cried when Daniel wins in the Karate kid. I thought Chas was misunderstood in Back to School. And I would have rather joined Stan Gable’s fraternity in Revenge of the Nerds.

Want to cry laughing?

I don’t know what this is, but it makes me happy.