Chuck E. Cheese

This mouse creeps me out so bad.  Check out this training video, if you get bored fast forward to about 8 minutes where Chuck starts interacting with the people, and watch him “Make it happen.”

Favorite Books: I’m an Idiot

The other day I was friend requested on Facebook by a person I didn’t know.  Usually I accept the friend request  with a simple browse through their profile to make sure they’re not some deranged Insane Clown Posse fanatic.  Everything seemed to check out, but then something caught my eye that really chapped my ass.   Under the profile prompt of “favorite books,” this person had written “I don’t read.”  I get that this would have been a cool thing to write when I was like 13, but if you’re a 22 year old adult, you shouldn’t be advertising the fact that you don’t read.

My favorite part of the whole thing is that the “Favorite book” prompt is not by any means a concrete part of the profile.  You can simply not put anything there and it won’t show up.  So not only could this person not think of a book to represent their personality, even if they hadn’t read it, but they chose to write “I don’t read,” instead of simply leaving it blank.  Is it still that cool to be a dumbass? Needless to say, I did not befriend this person on Facebook and you shouldn’t either.

Calvin Peeing

If you have a vinyl sticker on your car of Calvin peeing, get the hell out of my face. I don’t care if he is peeing on Osama, Ford, Satan or the Dallas Cowboys. If you have one of those stickers you are damn near the lowest life form on Earth. I just don’t understand why that’s the best way to make a statement. Bumper stickers are pretty lame in general. I don’t have any friends with bumper stickers. You’re either a pro-Bush asshole with mud flaps on your SUV, a pro-Kerry wiener with a dilapidated piece of shit 1979 Subaru, or a hardcore Christian that warns the drivers following to be weary of the car becoming unmanned due to The Rapture. These are the only people clueless enough to believe that another driver on the road really gives two shits about their political views or life philosophies. You don’t see a Porsche with a bumper sticker. Bumper stickers are the only way the lower class can be heard in this country. Pretty effective.

Don’t even get me started on the oversaturated “Support _______,” magnetic ribbon market or the vanity plate industry. Maybe I should have a sticker of Calvin peeing on a sticker of Calvin peeing. That would show them. All that pee all over the place. Ha.

The Gearless Wonder

I have decided that the most crucial part of life is changing pace. Changing things up is crucial to relationships, sports, leadership, creativity, physical and mental health, and just about everything else in life. The person who remains constant, remains ineffective. Others will figure you out and tune you out.

To maintain a strong relationship with someone consistency and reliability are necessary, but the third ingredient is spontaniety. Taking the time to surprise your boyfriend, girlfriend, or best friend goes a long way in a relationship.

In sports, changing gears is one of the most often overlooked and easiest skills to learn. Soccer players seem to pick it up more naturally. If you watch a soccer player play basketball they slow down and speed up more than everyone else on the court. When you’re taught to make a good cut in any sport, the mantra is “slow in, quick out.” Moving slowly lulls the defender to sleep, and then you explode. The person who sprints as hard as possible at all times, may seem admirable, but is generally an idiot. Hustle is great, when paired with intelligence.

Every effective leader knows when to control his emotions and when to release them. A coach or teacher that constantly yells, will get tuned out in a matter of days. But, the leader who shows a compassionate and sympathetic side will get more out of his subjects. His yelling will have context. “Oh wow, he must have reason to be disappointed.” “He must think we can do better.” He won’t just be an angry person.

A gearless wonder is someone who traps themselves in a mental framwork that’s unchanging. Someone who thinks in black and white, and only stays white. The interesting thing is , they can be at opposite ends of the “work ethic spectrum.” A gearless wonder can be the most ass-tight, workaholic ever. But, if he doesn’t take time to gather himself it will show in his work. It will get done efficiently, but not effectively and everyone will hate you for jacking up stress levels. On the other end of the spectrum is the stoner/slacker, who believes that nothing is crucial or important. While I understand this thought process, it sucks. Heed thy advice Mr. Gearless Wonder: If you don’t take a single thing in this world seriously, no one will take you seriously. And conversely, if you consider everything a life or death matter, you’ll have no friends.

Mr. Anecdotal

Everyone knows this guy. And he knows you. In fact, he’s got 10 stories with you and him in it. Obviously you’re a minor character in the story and he the triumphant lead, but he’s got stories nonetheless. This guy will seem fun and interesting at first.  You will enjoy his first tales of debauchery and nonsensical nostalgia. In fact, you’ll start to tell your own doozies, but as he dives into a stories about every street sign and shop you pass, you’ll see through his entertainer facade and realize he sucks. Heed thy advice: He who has a story for everything, wants not to make another.  Avoid him.

Brock Hard

The only thing worse than having a nickname like “mook” is giving yourself a nickname like “The Missle.” I’ve heard a lot of nicknames in my days in the fraternity, and it seems that almost all of them become acceptable at a certain point, no matter how disconnected it may be from your actual personality or birth name. But the cardinal sin of nicknames, is giving yourself your own. No matter how tight you think you are, you can not give yourself a nickname like “moose,” “horse,” or some other animal with a giant penis.

I tested this theory of mine and started to refer to myself as Brock Hard. At first, people laughed, but as the days dragged on I could see people getting more annoyed with my relentless self-branding. They were probably more disgruntled with my actions, than the name itself. Calling myself Brock Hard, actually convinced me that I was Brock Hard. I bumped chests, slammed beers more aggressively than normal, and talked shit at all times. It was awesome. But I was empty inside. Living behind a name like that is harder than you’d think.

If you know of somone renaming themselves, do not play along. You are not helping their self confidence. Sit them down and tell them that they’re cool, but do not allow them to call themselves whatever they want. Ignore them and their desperate cries for coolness.

Most Martyr

Martyrs used to be admirrable figures. They were people of conviction, hell bent…rather heaven-bent for their cause. But the Most Martyr is someone more modern, someone you know, someone who is far less respectable. They don’t die for their cause, they kill for it. They kill everyone’s spirits, just to show you they care.

The scariest part about the Most Martyr is they’re generally in some type of leadership position. At first, they seem motivated and enthusiastic, but their sickly shroud soon fades. They take on every project and complete none of them. They never ask for help, except with a pouty glance as you walk by their work area. But what they do not specifically say, they expect you to hear. That is crux of their leadership strategy. They believe they’re a “leader by example,” so they spend their entire existence being that example.

They will constantly say things like, “why is everyone so apathetic?” and “I’m not asking for much.” But what they do not realize is that they are the source of that apathy for everyone. No matter how fun the project could be, everyone knows that with the Most Martyr at the helm, death might indeed be the best option.

If you notice the Most Martyr at your workplace, get the hell out of there. Do not stop to help them. Your soul will be drenched in their tears as yet another project passes deadline, and you’ll be unable to do anything without continuing the cycle of self-sorrow they started.