Peer Review

There is only one thing more frustrating than having someone qualified rip apart your creative work, having someone completely unqualified do it. I can’t fit all of my gripes with public education into this one blog, but I will voice my concern with the overrated and overused practice of peer review. There is not better way to kill creativity than having equally apathetic people write all over each others work.

Yesterday in my creative writing class I read a classmate’s story about zombies. Our GTF told us to underline the parts we liked about the story. I scowered for a few things, underlining the rather graphic segments of the zombies eating the townspeople and wrote “great detail,” and “I really liked the part about the half-eaten jaw. NICE!!!” The story sucked. But, that’s ok, I’m sure the GTF will help him get better. The point is, no matter what I wrote on his story, he wouldn’t take it seriously. I’m just a student too.

I’m not saying any of this to be mean, but it’s really unrealistic to have students who are at all different skill levels review eachothers work. No one wants to make anyone sad, no one really wants to take the time to improve another students skills, everyone just wants to write enough critique to show the teacher they tried editing it. I understand the point of reading through and critiquing work to be more cognizant of your own mistakes, but there is plenty of good writing out there that could be looked at. If you want to improve your baseball swing, you probably don’t go to a tee-ball game and dissect the little booger eater’s swings. You take notes of what the pros are doing.

Self Help Yourself

I’ve always found the “Self Help,” section of the bookstore to be one of the most intriguing and most frustrating. Is it really “self help” if you have to read a book that someone else wrote to help yourself? There seems to be a disconnect here. The section should be called “Help You” or more generously “Help You Help Yourself,” because you did not write the book. Obviously someone else is helping you.

I also question the authors of these self improvement books. I feel as if they are less qualified than they portray themselves. Lets take a guy like Joel Osteen. I’m sure he started out being a pretty selfless guy, he became a minister for chrissakes. But at this point I think he has just found a way to make a good buck. The way he justifies his fortune is rather absurd, God wants everyone to be “prosperous” he claims, and by prosperous God means “filthy rich, just like Joel.”

Now, I’m not trying to put down people who read self help books, I would never put anyone down that was trying to be a better person. I’ve read plenty in my short stay here on Earth. When I was 18, I believed I was nuts, and I saw a counselor. He got me hooked on these damn things. But, I’m starting to think one was enough. My suggestion to those reading absurd amounts of these books is this. Pick one, and realize that the rest of them say this:

1) Do good, Feel Good

2) Make time for the things you want

3) You have the ability to change your mood

4) Don’t do shit you don’t want to do

5) Stop worrying, you’re going to die sometime

One person’s strategy might be far different from yours, so it is your job to figure out ways to hold yourself accountable to these five things. I bet you’ll have more time to read things that are interesting, fun, and that put a smile on your face if you stop reading the same things from a different persons perspective. Remember that life is about your perspective, cause that’s the only one you get. Holy shit, that’s gold!!! I should start writing my book right now.

My greatest fear in life comes in death: that I will have died reading a self improvement book with another 40 of them on my shelf, never really having improved myself but being well versed for the time when I might decide to.

Brock Hard

The only thing worse than having a nickname like “mook” is giving yourself a nickname like “The Missle.” I’ve heard a lot of nicknames in my days in the fraternity, and it seems that almost all of them become acceptable at a certain point, no matter how disconnected it may be from your actual personality or birth name. But the cardinal sin of nicknames, is giving yourself your own. No matter how tight you think you are, you can not give yourself a nickname like “moose,” “horse,” or some other animal with a giant penis.

I tested this theory of mine and started to refer to myself as Brock Hard. At first, people laughed, but as the days dragged on I could see people getting more annoyed with my relentless self-branding. They were probably more disgruntled with my actions, than the name itself. Calling myself Brock Hard, actually convinced me that I was Brock Hard. I bumped chests, slammed beers more aggressively than normal, and talked shit at all times. It was awesome. But I was empty inside. Living behind a name like that is harder than you’d think.

If you know of somone renaming themselves, do not play along. You are not helping their self confidence. Sit them down and tell them that they’re cool, but do not allow them to call themselves whatever they want. Ignore them and their desperate cries for coolness.

Most Martyr

Martyrs used to be admirrable figures. They were people of conviction, hell bent…rather heaven-bent for their cause. But the Most Martyr is someone more modern, someone you know, someone who is far less respectable. They don’t die for their cause, they kill for it. They kill everyone’s spirits, just to show you they care.

The scariest part about the Most Martyr is they’re generally in some type of leadership position. At first, they seem motivated and enthusiastic, but their sickly shroud soon fades. They take on every project and complete none of them. They never ask for help, except with a pouty glance as you walk by their work area. But what they do not specifically say, they expect you to hear. That is crux of their leadership strategy. They believe they’re a “leader by example,” so they spend their entire existence being that example.

They will constantly say things like, “why is everyone so apathetic?” and “I’m not asking for much.” But what they do not realize is that they are the source of that apathy for everyone. No matter how fun the project could be, everyone knows that with the Most Martyr at the helm, death might indeed be the best option.

If you notice the Most Martyr at your workplace, get the hell out of there. Do not stop to help them. Your soul will be drenched in their tears as yet another project passes deadline, and you’ll be unable to do anything without continuing the cycle of self-sorrow they started.

Your Average Joe Porn Star

Dear Fox,

I know that you are probably freaking out with NBC’s re-release of “American Gladiators,” given that it’s the greatest show ever and NBC will soon replace you as the badass of network television. So I decided to let you guys in on a reality TV show idea I’ve been conjuring up that just might catapult you back to the glory days of such hits as “Temptation Island” and “Who Wants to Marry My Dad.” Picture this: “Your Average Joe Porn Star,” with host Ron Jeremy(if you can pull him away from a 12th season of the “Surreal Life”).

This little diddy will have 30 young to middle aged men and women, who got booted out of casting lines for real jobs, living in a lavish house far-removed from their typical double-wide. There will be drama, action, silicon malfunctions, embarrassing premature moments, and of course plenty of alcohol to fuel the daily interactions of the house mates. Essentially the same formula that “The Real World” uses, but this show will guarantee at least “5 times as many blurred scenes as any other reality show on your TV.”

Each episode will begin with a guest instructor from the “industry,” showing the house mates how to properly perform their signature moves. The contestants will then pair off into twos, threes, fours, guys, girls, goats, midgets, or whatever is needed and do their best to impress their instructor. The winner of the challenge receives the “Golden Condom of Immunity,” sponsored by Trojan.

Those who struggled with the challenge will face the celebrity judge panel. The lucky one’s names are called, as enthralling music quickens the viewers pulse rate, they receive unfortunate tattoos and are allowed to remain on the show for another week. Obviously the most hated and worst contestants are kept for at least 5 weeks for no apparent reason so the audience can continue to seethe. The contestants not receiving the tattoo are told “You were fucked, and now you’re fucked,” the catchy line that carries the climax of the show, and then they’re sent to rot in a Hollywood gutter, hopefully to resurface years later, landing undeserving book deals to unveil the secrets of the show. Thus, furthering the brand.

The grand prize winner receives a deal to be exploited in a series of pornographic films. It’s truly a show that will make America better. It will tackle important issues in relationships, it will educate the general population on the importance of getting tested and using protection, and it will allow parents to play less of a role in their child’s life because the show will contain better answers to life’s big questions than they could provide for them.

I expect a certain cut in this deal since I’ve pretty much signed, sealed and delivered another gem for you. But something tells me, after you read this, you’ll come up with something far better. You always do.

Sincerely,
BK